Today I consumed 1 slice of toast, 2 ibuprofen, 1 Gravol, 1 prescription sleep aide. It is now 2:33 a.m, I am still awake. My stomach is in knots and I continue to feel waves of utter despair breezing in and out. I watched a movie, I zoned out and thought of him. I cried. I checked my email 20 times today. I cried. I ran the events of the evening through my head like a reel at super speed each time wishing it would catch on fire.I cried.I smell bad, i look bad, i feel bad. I am having a hard time willing myself out of bed to use the washroom. I don't even have the energy to smoke a cigarette. I think about the future and I cry. All the wonderful little things he did for me. Every time I take a bath I'll cry. Surfing the internet will never be the same. I have never felt so safe in anyone's arms. I miss tangling my fingers in his hair. Looking into his never ending never telling brown eyes. Soft little kisses. Growls in my ear. Sarcastic remarks. His distaste for my bad puns.The Duchess.

I always said to myself that I would be a millionaire if I could develop a pill that would remove the symptoms of a broken heart. The process of getting over someone, in my opinion is worse then being physically ill. The only option for immediate relief from a broken heart is to be held by the person who did it, have them tell you everything you want to hear and that you will live happily ever after. You got a headache? Take a fucking aspirin. Which seems easier to you? The only thing that makes these feelings subside in a much longer period of time is coming to the reality that things are over, they are never going to be the same, you have to move on. It all seems so daunting. The spot that you are in right now, feels like the same spot you will be in 20 years from now.I'm not stupid. I know that it's not.
Writing and photo-shopping are the only things I have to temporarily make the hurt disappear, but when the subject of the writing and art is the reason for all of the pain, we run in circles.

I keep expecting for him to come online and tell me it was all a bad dream and that I'm the duchess once again.

I wish you were here to say "Rats" in my ear.