"I gotta right to sing the blues
I gotta right to moan inside
I gotta right to sit and cry"

-Billie Holiday

Let me just say that obviously Miss Holiday has more of a right to sing the blues than I. Nonetheless I have had an appalling day.

I hope Ashley calls me for a walk, I need to clear the fuzzy ramblings looming in my C Cortex.

Aside from helping my parents bottle wine in my pajamas and filling my plate full of dinner after feeling hunger and other pains all day, I have been in bed since I awoke. I smell.

I am feeling quite low right now. I could use someone to talk to.

Although I love my parents and living with them, it certainly takes a toll on one when that person is used to having their own house/apartment to live in. I have privacy and my own things, everything I could really ask for. I can't explain the overwhelming need to have a space of my own. I guess you could say it's pride. I hate handouts and taking things from others. I knew what I was getting into when I made this HUGE life decision but it really does e/a ffect me negatively somedays.

I am afraid to check my savings account. I have set many (possibly unattainable) goals for myself and I fear I will let myself down on many levels. I usually only spend when I need to and occasionally for therapeutic purposes but the cash flow in is definitely competing with the cash flow out.

I have been telling myself I can do it. I can do whatever I want. I have myself convinced of this but my bank account will most certainly say otherwise.

I love having a part-time job that I enjoy but it does add a layer of stress to my situation. I am happy working the amount I am even though I know I should be working more in order to achieve my goals.

I get this feeling of emptiness every so often. Like I have nothing. Like I can't do this on my own. I know that I can because I have been doing it for so many years and I am still here. There are just those days when you feel completely defeated, drained and overly emotional about the smallest things.

Add a dash of raging PMS and you have someone who will jump to conclusions, feel sorry for herself, blow things out of proportion, over analyze her over analyzing, cry way too much for any normal human being to comprehend and potentially let herself sink in that muck hole of depression she remembers all too well.

If the feeling of being utterly alone in my struggles would subside I think I could deal.